[COVID 19 Diary] Genuinely Grateful

Before writing this, I was sitting on the carpeted floor of my room, facing my window with some sunlight coming in and reading a book, while an instrumental music is playing on the background. Then, it dawned on me.  How blessed I am that I can just be in so much comfort and peace even if the world is going in chaos.

I have nothing to feel but be very grateful because not everyone can have this comfort. There are some people who as much as they want to stay home, do not have homes to stay. There are some who may have homes but they could not even do social distancing because they only have one room. There are some who would want to be home with families but are risking their lives out there helping those who are sick and dying.

Before this pandemic happened, I went through my own “pandemic” in life also for some months. That taught me to take care of my self just like what all health organizations are telling us right now – stay home & be healthy. I’m grateful that God allowed me to go through that because it helped in renewing my mind.

It’s so hard these days not to fear & worry, not to complain & be angry. There are moments in my day that those would try to creep in, but then I always remind myself of who God is and who I am. He is GOD – powerful, all knowing, sovereign, in control. I am weak – will always need God.

All I can do today is to choose to be thankful of every little blessing I have in my life right now. I try to live one day at a time, pray for what’s needed today, do what I can for today. From a message I watched this week, it was a reminder that the mercy God gives to us for the day is only enough for the day. That’s why His mercies are new every morning. He will give based on what’s needed for our day. And so, I should learn to live my day that way also, trusting that His provision is sufficient for my day.

This historical event will leave a mark in my life until the end. The one thing that God has been using this difficult time is to teach me to really be grateful. At some point, I’ve forgotten how to genuinely be grateful. It should be a default in one’s heart. Because a thankful heart delights the Lord.

I’m so glad that in God’s kingdom, status is not required – no rich or poor. God’s love is extended to everyone. And that’s really what I am truly grateful for. And so I pray that even those who are not in comfort right now, those who are suffering that they will know the Lord, experience His Love and receive Jesus in their lives.

Thank you Abba Father.

 

 

Because He is…

“We underestimate the power of our own will.”

That’s what struck me from a sermon I just finished listening few minutes ago. It is somehow a good intro of what I want to share on how my 2019 turned out to be.

I must say 2019 was a continuation of my 2018 journey.  Though really, our journey is not bounded by end or start of a year. It just keeps going.

2019 was a very humbling year for me. God helped me discover things about myself that I didn’t know were happening to me. What I went through during the later part of the year is hard to explain. It’s really true that only God knows the deepest of our heart. When I share it to people, it would seem petty and just really a normal struggle anyone can go through. But from my end, it was a battle. I struggled with anxiety and deep fear that paralyzed my faith, took away my joy and shattered my peace. No matter how hard I fought it, I would find myself back into the pit. It’s like quicksand.

As a child of God, the only way to overcome the battle was to continue reading God’s Word even if it was hard holding on to it. I kept asking myself what was really the cause of all of it. I thought it was my stressful work. I thought it was certain circumstances that didn’t go the way I wanted it to be. God eventually made it clear for me. He showed me that I’m weak. Not that I didn’t know I am weak. I for sure am aware that I am weak – on certain areas in my life. But God showed to me the kind of weakness that I wasn’t aware has slowly been crawling into my life.

I am weak in allowing myself to be slowly swayed into the comfort and “good” of the world without being aware of it. I am weak that I was becoming self-entitled and demanding in a very subtle way without being aware of it. I am weak that I was becoming ungrateful when things didn’t turn out the way I thought it would be. I am weak in thinking that when God provides, it will always be smooth and easy. I am weak when my focus was starting to be about myself and what I want and what I deserve. I am weak that even just little difficulties, I would just want to give up.

It is so true that most of the time we underestimate the power of our will. We don’t realize the little things we feed into our mind will eventually change the way we think and the way we believe. I’m still in that battlefield, letting God continue to renew my mind and transform my heart. Fear & anxiety would try to creep in from time to time, but Jesus helps me overcome. His peace is undefeated.

People who know me might think that I am always okay. When people see me at church, they would probably think I am doing well with my walk with God. That those I mentioned above never manifested when they see me or when I serve. All I can say, despite my weakness, God’s work will continue to move. And that’s what amazes me. In the midst of my struggles, His work doesn’t stop.

The biggest blessing for me in the midst of this struggling time is to experience God’s presence and to see how He can continue His work through a season of brokenness. Every time I would find myself going to church, being at work, serving in ministry, meeting my discipleship group or cleaning my room – I know that it was all Him. My own will would just be in a depressed state, in my bed and just be thoughtless. But His grace was working during the time my own will just couldn’t. 

In my almost 15 years as a follower of Christ, I was never in this state of deep anxiety and fear. And somehow, I have understood how those people who really struggled with depression, on how hard must it be for them especially if they don’t know Jesus. What’s the source of their hope? What are they holding on to keep going?

Please include me in your prayers and pray for your loved ones who are probably going through difficult times right now.

If there’s one thing I would like you to take from this is that to remember that we have a sovereign and powerful God. Because He is who He says He is,  even if I am weak, His work will prevail. I may be defeated, but Jesus is not defeated. And that’s the truth that I am holding on. That even if there were days that I have failed, Jesus has already overcome it for me.

success-846055_1280

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. – Ephesians 6:10-13

 

Gratitude Attitude

I just finished watching the CCF Sunday Message through Livestream and the message hit me big time.

I don’t know when it started but I had again a phase of grumbling and complaining at work. Things at work are mostly really busy for me. If I can eat lunch with my colleagues on time and consistent in a week, that is already a huge break for me.  And, I really think that God allows it to happen to reveal what is in my heart and to test my character.  You see, being busy at work is not really the problem. It’s not even like I bring work at home. However, because I am overwhelmed with work that I expect other people to work in same pace and provide results as I do. That’s when the grumbling and complaining happens.

The message I just listened talked about “Entitlement”. And how to avoid it is to always have a gratitude attitude. And this really hit me. I feel like I complained too much that I already lose sight of the true important things. Things that I should learn to count and be grateful for. I also forgot that I myself is a recipient of grace. In God’s standard, I will never be good. But because of His grace through Jesus, He is able to forgive me of my misses and failures. I am reminded that I should be the same to other people. I have to stop easily judging people and see them  as how God sees them.

I used to have reminder at my desk at work, “Increase Appreciation, Lower Expectation”. I should really put that back to remind me to always learn to see the good on people. It is very hard especially when you expect people to perform based on their status and position. By God’s grace, I’m praying that I will really learn to lower my expectation and even more surrender those to God as He is the one who is really in control.

The cause of my busyness was a big project I was part of that just got implemented recently. It’s a good accomplishment and it was successful. But, in all honesty, I feel that I failed the test God gave me. I ended up grumbling so much instead of rejoicing more. I became loud inside instead of allowing peace to work in my heart. I forgot to be grateful of the blessing of work and blessing of relationship. I lose sight of what truly matters for eternity.

I know that God will always bring me to circumstances that  will prune and mold me as God’s purpose for us has always been Christ-likeness. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I pray that I will be better next time.

I want to end this by thanking God for a lifetime of grace that is overflowing for me and for you that we may always be reminded of what truly matters and to always be grateful.

———-o———-

3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Philippians 2:3-8

be grateful!

What is Christmas for you?

Christmas is a special time to remind us of what God did for us through Jesus Christ. As we tend to forget this in our normal day to day, I think God made it a point that we don’t have an excuse not to know or be reminded about it at least once a year.

Christmas is a celebration of Jesus. No more, no less.

What is it for you?

Unsorted

I’m sleepy already but I’m still unable to sleep. I have so many things in my mind and in my heart that I just want to sort them out before I fall to sleep.

The past week has been filled with a lot of lessons learned, reminders, reflections, deep thoughts, controlled emotions, stories and action items.

I wish there is a system that would automatically organize each and put them into specific folders to be processed by my mental faculty.

Now, I really want to sleep. All of these in my mind, I just want to entrust to God. Not for Him to sort it out for me, but for me to be able to sort out things and make it aligned to His will.

Indeed, apart from Jesus, my life will forever be unsorted.

Tonight, I’m letting tomorrow worry for itself. Me? I will sleep in peace.

Good night! 🙂

20130916-010909.jpg